Baby Daddy

Brandon felt the baby move today.

Merry Christmas to you, Daddy.

It's a girl

We're having a baby girl.

Somehow, Brandon and I both knew it in our hearts before we ever saw the sonogram, but it's nice to have it confirmed.

We paid the extra copay to see a perinatologist, and he was awesome. He walked us through everything, saying that everything looked good at each stage: legs and arms and fingers, skull and neck, face, heart, kidneys, bladder—all good.

And he got the money shot, showing she's pretty certainly a girl.

My mom texted me "SQUEEE!" while we were in the waiting room. It was fun to call everyone and let them know pink instead of blue.

20 Weeks

Twenty weeks today. The half way point. Next week we go for the ultrasound and hopefully find out the sex. I feel the baby move many times a day now, and I think that constant reassurance has made me more excited about everything.

Last night, I was singing to it in the car on the way home from work.

I'm still throwing up every couple of days. It's unpleasant, but again, a bit reassuring. I eel like I'm eating a lot lately, finding hunger where I didn't know there was any.

Expanding

I feel like I have expanded considerably in the last few days. I realize this is actually unlikely, but it feels that way. My elastic waistband jeans that I was wearing up by my belly button now feel like they're cutting me in half, so I've taken to wearing the waistband below my belly, but that makes me feel like I'm kind of... hanging out there. Even with long shirts.

And this is doubly strange for me because I am so very very aware of my belly. It's always been a source of anxiety for me, the size of it especially, and now, to be expected to flaunt it for lack of a better word, well, it's very weird for me.

I'm so used to sucking in my stomach all the time, but now, it's getting uncomfortable. And I'm having to reteach myself that it's OK to let it go.

Which is a pretty powerful metaphor, actually.

Early Morning Acrobatics

I've been lying in bed mornings lately, concentrating on my belly, wondering if I would feel anything.

This morning I was rewarded.

It wasn't big or dramatic, but I'm almost certain I was truly feeling my baby, my child, moving and stretching its little body. Amazing.

In two weeks we will see the baby again, Brandon for the first time. And we will find out if it is a he or a she.

I'm still feeling fairly overwhelmed, but I'm getting a bit better about making decisions.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I think so, Brain..."

I had a nightmare last night that my boss was berating me that I couldn't be a mother and have a career at the same time, and I distinctly remember that it ended with her saying, "God won't let you have both."

Which is both very creepy and somewhat LOLtastic as my boss is the LEAST religious person ever and doesn't believe in God. Add to that the fact that I certainly don't logically believe that I can't have both, and I don't think God swoops down and makes those sorts of decisions for us, and it's doubly weird.

Way to be subtle, brain. I get the anxiety part, but your arguments just don't even make any sense.

15 weeks, 2 days

Went on a press trip this weekend and was VERY disgruntled to be ordering club soda with cranberry juice and/or ginger ale at the two cocktail hours, having to explain that I would not be partaking in the wine portion of the wine pairing dinner, and then sitting through a two-hour private VIP winery tasting just eating cheese while everyone else had wine.

In Conclusion: press trips are still fun, but somewhat LESS fun without free booze.

14 weeks, 3 days

* Upchuck number three, for those keeping count. It’s weird: I thought this was supposed to start going away, and the underlying feeling of constant nausea has, but when it does pop up, it seems to be stronger. Today’s episode was triggered by looking at a bag of vegetables. There was nothing wrong with them. They just made me puke.

* Husband has picked out a crib, which is a great relief to me. I have been having terrible trouble making any sort of decision lately when it comes to the Bean. We will probably order it from JC Penny next week. I chose some bunting on Etsy. That’s about the extent of my decision making skills lately.

* We also managed to almost completely clear out the nursery. I hung up the one little outfit my mom sent us in the closet, which Husband promptly pronounced “weird.”

* I announced that we’re pregnant on Facebook today, which was weird. Facebook is weird in general, but it’s doubly weird to have random people you haven’t talked to in 10+ years congratulating you.

* Have started having sharp pains in my abdomen just above my hips. Doctor said these are my tendons stretching to accommodate the new weight. Yay?

* I have figured out that putting a pillow between my knees while I sleep helps alleviate a lot of the pain I’ve been having in my sacrum. (That’s what my yoga video calls it: my sacrum. Much nicer than saying “My butt hurts,” which is what Husband has previously been subjected to.)

* Coworker has offered to throw me a baby shower. Which is nice, but also mildly terrifying as it means I have to register at some point. And that takes us back to the whole not making decisions about stuff thing.

12 weeks, 4 days

Just got home from the dentist (which I love oh so much even on good days) where I discovered that the books weren’t kidding when they said your gums might bleed more than normal while preggers.

When your hygienist says “woah!” that’s not a good sign.

12 weeks, 2 days

Yesterday we made cookies and I realized, to my horror, that I’m not allowed to eat raw cookie dough because of the eggs.

CURSES.

Over the weekend, I bought my first honest-to-goodness maternity clothes at a consignment sale. Today, I am wearing the first of those items, a tank top.

Ok, doesn’t really qualify, but it’s still a milestone, right?

We have our 12 week checkup on Friday and I’m nervous. I really want to see that heartbeat again.

11 weeks, 2 days

I’m wearing a rubber band on the button of my jeans to give me an extra inch (and an extra pair of jeans I can now wear. HUZZAH!).

Talked to my sister this weekend about the conundrum of the first few months of just looking fat instead of pregnant.

Also, husband cleaned the ENTIRE house on Saturday while I was at work. He wins all the prizes.

10 weeks, 3 days

Threw up this morning for the first time—at least, the first time that’s morning sickness-related.

I’m glad I could share this milestone with you.

10 weeks, 2 days

I have never been so happy to feel so crappy.

Bran is my friend.

Have had pretty bad morning sickness most of the day. And I’m taking that as a good sign that a) maybe the bean doesn’t like sour cream and cheddar potato chips (which we had for dinner last night) and b) that the bean still has a say in things.

Which is fine by me. He or she is welcome to hate all variety of potato chips.

~*~

In other news, I have one official prediction from a family member that the bean will be a girl. She also happens to have been a prenatal nurse for her entire career and was looking at my 8 week sonogram. For what it’s worth.

10 weeks, 1 day

I have spent the last four days in abject fear of going to the bathroom.

I have seen blood twice, thin and red and fresh, and much more than there should be.

I have been to the OBGYN office and been consoled by nurses as they injected me with Rogam.

I have been consoled and terrified in turns by my family, the internet, my friends.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a theory. Except me.

I have only the power to wait.

I have been put on “pelvic rest:” no pushing, pulling, or lifting. No laundry, no vacuuming, no yoga. Feet elevated. Rest.

How do you rest when you’re so afraid?

I suppose this is when I realize how real it is, when I am afraid for the life a few weeks ago I wasn’t sure was really there.

I am terrified. I am trying to stay positive. I am not always succeeding.

Hello, Baby

I have known about you, baby, for about two weeks now. Sometimes, I can't quite believe you're real, and if you are, I worry that you'll disappear. It's hard to wrap my head around all the ways my life is changing.

We told our parents last weekend and they were all so happy. Zana cried, which made Brandon cry, which made me cry. I think Zana might have given up hope that you would ever come along.

It's hard to go on as if nothing has changed, when everything has changed. I don't know when I'll tell people at work, but I've already started playing the scenarios of how it might happen over and over in my head.

I thought I would be much more afraid than I am. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Sometimes I think I can feel you. Not you, exactly, but the changes you're causing in me. It reminds me that you're real. You're the size of a blueberry, but next week when I go to the doctor, I might be able to see your heart beat. That seems pretty miraculous to me.

I think of you often, though mostly in an abstract sense. Nine months seems like a really long time, but I know it will have seemed to fly by the time it's over.

Official

It's official. Everything's official and I'm having a baby.

The lab called later Friday evening as we were on our way to our anniversary dinner. It wasn't a huge surprise, of course, but it was nice to have confirmed.

Saturday was really rough in terms of symptoms. I felt ill most of the day, as well as completely exhausted. We went to the library where I started to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I think it freaked me out a little.

Brandon has been incredibly understanding and sweet. We've been painting the guest room this weekend, and it doesn't take much for me to get tired out, but he hasn't pushed me at all or given me any reason to feel bad when I need to stop and rest.

Waiting...

I'm sitting at the lab waiting to get a pregnancy test. Last night, the stick showed a plus sign, but I'm still worried it might be wrong.

None of these big moments end up being as big as we think, do they?

When I think about it too much, I start to get scared and overwhelmed.

Brandon and I have been married for five years today. Nice symmetry, somehow.