I'm Sad

Dearest Devyn,

Tonight, you said to me,

"I'm sad. I don't like to be Devyn."

I tried to ask you, "Do you want to be a mama? Do you want to be a cat or a dog?"

"No, don't want to be a mama. No, don't want to be a dog."

"Then maybe it's good thing to be Devyn. Devyn is amazing!"

"No. I don't like to be a Devyn."

Broke my heart.

You're too young for that, baby.  I thought I had a few more years.  Maybe you're just saying words you don't totally understand.  Maybe you know exactly what you're saying. Either way, it hurts my heart.

I know you won't believe me when I tell you this today, tomorrow...  I know because my mother tried to tell me the same thing. But maybe someday you will read this when you need to hear it, and maybe it will make a difference.

I'm not joking when I say that you're amazing. I'm not speaking from bias or a place of privilege when I tell you that you are unique, beautiful, brilliant, and miraculous. You are a miracle. I know—I was there the moment you came into existence, the moment you breathed your first breath. Everything about you is magical beyond believing.

Every time I look at you, I see something new worth loving even more than I loved you before. Even when you're sassing me, testing your limits, frustrating me to the ends of my limits, my heart still swells with pride at how smart you are, how creative, how independent.

I know that nothing I say will change those moments when you feel like you don't like being a Devyn. I know those moments will come and go throughout your whole life. I know that you will feel doubt, and anxiety, and wish you were something else, something other.  There will be people, places, times that will test you.

But if I do my job, those times will pass and you will remember how absolutely stunning you are. You will remember that you are incredible beyond words, that you are a miraculous creation of the universe, an utterly unique and perfect set of circumstances that came together only once in all of space and time, made of stardust and prayers and more love than I ever knew existed before you came along.

You are perfect, Devyn. Exactly as you are.  Even when you don't believe it.