30 weeks, 3 days: On Being A Mom

 
Devyn's naps have started getting irregular again lately—she seems to think that a ten minute snooze in Mom's arms is sufficient for a 9am nap—and so I was letting her sleep after she ate this morning, holding and rocking her and reading blogs on my iPod as I am wont to do, when I came across two things in just a matter of minutes that crystalized how I'm feeling about motherhood these days.

The first was a post in which the author was talking about saying thank you even when you don't feel thankful.  As in, saying "Thank you for this tiny person," as you are cleaning up a massive poop blowout, or "Thank you for this home," as you sweep up yet another pile of dog hair.  The idea is that just the act of putting that thank you out into the universe can help adjust your attitude towards whatever it is you're facing.

The second thing was a post by a lovely author who has a toddler and a creative business and went to an art show this past weekend.  She writes,

to be honest, i felt a little out of place. and in my heart i felt envious; i've guiltily given most creative projects a backseat (or thrown in the trunk!) in my life right now. i wish i could carve out more time for things like this, i thought to myself. more time for cultivating my skills for awesome passions i wish i had time for. if i didn't blog so much, maybe i could be better at fill-in-the-blank. or, maybe if i could cut out my once-in-awhile napping ritual i could read more fine literature or possibly, dig into the new yorker or something equally as stimulating / informative...

soon i began to look around– pushing through those feelings–and saw dan with benji in his arms, mingling with the artists and i realized something. my own toddler is my creative project at the moment. he's the main show. and that is more than okay with me. it was a happy mini lightbulb moment.

I have so felt like this. I took on food blogging as a serious pursuit right after Devyn was born, and I started to meet all these incredible people doing amazing things. I became immersed in this world where people go out for cocktails every night, hang out at restaurants and chit chat with the chef and the bartenders, take field trips to farms every weekend to learn about their food, cure their own meats, brew their own alcohol, go up into the mountains and wander around for hours in silence picking wild mushrooms and berries. 

And I was envious.  That little green monster has taken hold of my heart more than once in the last seven months, making me jealous that I have neither the time nor the disposable income to indulge in so many of these pursuits.

And let's not even get started on the mommy bloggers who are suddenly my peers, and the real-life perfect moms I've met who post online about the dozens of crafts they have planned for the holiday season, the elaborate dessert buffet they whipped up for the PTA meeting, the dozens of Christmas gifts they've lovingly crafted—and finished!—so that they can do nothing but bake and watch Christmas movies with their kids from Thanksgiving to New Year's. 

I've felt that sense of, "if only..."  If only I worked harder, my house would be clean all the time.  If only I managed my time better, I could work out for two hours a day to be fit and healthy.  If only I worked more often after Devyn goes to bed, I could spend more time working with her, teaching her to wave and point to my nose and crawl.  If only...

And then. 

And then there are moments when it all just melts away.  When good enough really is good enough.  When I remember those first days when Devyn arrived and I marveled at her, called her my zen master, and prayed every day that I would be able to learn the lessons she is here to teach me. 

I truly am thankful for the poop blowouts and the 3am waking and the spit up.  And I really am OK letting Devyn be my creative outlet right now. 

Because she is so, so worth it.