17 Days Old: Questions

how is your BABY??? how is being a mommy? is your mind boggled? are you grossed out? what? do you recommend it? i could use some recommendations. :)
–from an email from a friend

Baby is awesome! She's so amazing. I find myself just staring at her a lot. ;) And being a mommy is mostly awesome, although sometimes it is really hard. I've still got the crazy hormones going on, so sometimes I just break down and cry because she is crying! But most of the time, I love it. And yes, my mind is totally boggled. Brandon and I both sometimes look at her and are just like, "We have a DAUGHTER. How weird is that????"

Giving birth was pretty gross. Poopy diapers are kinda gross. Her umbilical cord stump that only PARTIALLY fell off and is now oozing? VERY GROSS. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter too much. We were at the photographer last week, and I was trying to get her calm for the photos, so I went upstairs to the photographer's little boy's room to nurse. We had gotten her naked for one of the photos, so I had her sort of half wrapped in a blanket while she ate. And then? She had an EPIC poop all over my lap. I yelled for Brandon to bring me the baby bag, and while he was helping me clean up, she did it AGAIN. All we could do was laugh.

Nursing hurts like a bitch. Everybody said it would, and it does. But everybody also says it starts to get better around week three, so I am crossing my fingers for that. Labor hurts like a bitch. Pushing hurts like a bitch and was super scary to me. I had three tears, and those hurt, and the stitches are uncomfortable. But I got through all of it. It didn't kill me. :) I guess my body actually does know what it's doing.

I guess my answer is that looking into this tiny person's eyes, all the negative stuff was worth it. I don't know if we'll have any more, but if I had to make the choice again to get this little person, I would absolutely do it. In a heartbeat. Does that answer your questions? ;)

Non-Baby Stuff That's AWESOME for Having a Baby: Gaiam Balance Ball Chair

It's so daunting to register when you're having a baby. I remember being somewhat stymied by picking a china pattern and deciding how many place settings of flatware to register for as a bride, but the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion I felt registering for my first baby, before she even got here. Did I really NEED a baby tub? I mean, our tub/shower isn't really conducive for bathing a baby, so maybe... Do we need a bottle warmer? What about a wipes warmer, touted by many as the ultimate in ridiculous baby accoutrement, but endorsed by my wise sister?

But some of the stuff that has turned out to be MOST important so far with this kid was never on our registry.

Take, for example, our Balance Ball Chair from Gaiam.

My father-in-law, a consummate garage saler, found this for me for $10 several months before we even got pregnant, but during my pregnancy and after, it has been an absolute god-send.

Early in my pregnancy, I used the ball—sans chair—for working out, as lots of the prenatal strength training exercises I was doing called for use of an exercise ball. And, once I started working from home, sitting at my desk on the ball chair for four or five hours a day was about the only way to make my work days not wreck havoc on my lower back.

When I grew more enormously pregnant, our sofa suddenly became a pale blue, overstuffed trap from which I had a great deal of trouble escaping. Add to that the advice my doula gave me about sitting up as straight as possible during the last month or two of my pregnancy and the ball chair moved permanently from the upstairs office to the living room next to the sofa that wanted to eat me. Being able to sit up straight, be comfortable and get up and down without the use of a pulley system was absolutely invaluable as I grew larger and larger.

But I assumed that once baby arrived, the chair would migrate back up to the office—not so. Almost immediately, my family and I discovered the bouncy potential of the chair for comforting a fussy baby. My sister, who helped immensely during those first few days when Devyn's "witching hour" fell between 8 and 11pm, endorsed "aggressive bouncing" for calming the otherwise inconsolable little bean baby. Two weeks in, bouncing on the ball chair remains one of our favorite pastimes.

New, the chair does not come cheap, but knowing what I know now, I would absolutely recommend a mom-to-be add one to her registry—either for that extremely generous relative who abhors stepping into a baby store, or for a gaggle of friends to collaborate on.

16 Days Old: What I Love About Breastfeeding (and Happy Mother's Day!)

Eight to 12 feedings a day are starting to take their toll; last night I actually cried a little because it hurt so badly when my daughter latched on for her 3am feeding. But breastfeeding is something I'm committed to doing, and there are actually parts of it that I love, so I thought I would list those to give me something other than the soreness to focus on:

• I love the snuggling time we get when I burp her
• I love staring back into her eyes when she's staring up at me
• I love the feel of her soft head in my hand or in the crook of my arm
• I love the chance to slow down my thoughts and just be in the moment
• I love the feeling of power that being able to feed and soothe my child gives me
• I love the "chicken pecking" kisses I get when she's hungry and looking for lunch
• I love that, even at only a few hours old, she knew how to wiggle down and get into position without any help from me
• I love it when she clutches at my hand while she's eating
• I love the opportunity to be still and be close to her—even when there are a thousand other things that need doing

14 Days Old

Devyn had her first doctor visit today, and got through it with flying colors. She is up to 6 pounds, 12 ounces and 19.5 inches long.

And all those things I was worried about? All perfectly fine and perfectly normal.

12 days old

Things that can happen (sometimes all at once) with otherwise completely healthy newborns:

• Gas pains that make her shriek at octaves that would make most opera singers jealous
• Hormones that make her have her first period at three days old. (And even though I actually did know that could happen, somewhere in the back of my brain, it is still NOT COOL to open up your three-day-old's diaper and see blood.)
• Dry skin that makes it look like your baby's entire skin is flaking off.
• Bleeding from the cord stump. Really, anything that involves an infant and her blood leaving her body is not fun for mommies and daddies.
• "Newborn rash" that looks like she has angry red pimples or mosquito bites all over her (thankfully this is gone now).

It is really hard to be a big mommy, as my mommy would say, and not panic at all these things—which my parents, my books and my doula all assure me are perfectly normal. Mom, I'm sorry if I ever doubted you on that point. You are absolutely right.

The Birth Story — Part 2

I don't remember much about the drive to the hospital except hanging onto the handle during contractions. I had my eyes closed most of the time. We pulled into the hospital and Brandon pulled up to the door to let me out, at which point, I said, "YOU'RE LEAVING ME?????" and we decided that I could walk the short distance from the parking lot.

We parked and walked in. The only person in the lobby was the security guard. He asked if we wanted a wheelchair, but I just wanted to keep moving, so we said no. He called up to the maternity floor to let them know we were on our way.

When we got to the third floor, the nurses met us, took our information and showed us into a delivery room. I got into a hospital gown and they put me in bed, strapping me up with the fetal monitors and so on. I think Brandon gave the nurses our birth plan, but things were happening so fast I'm not sure anyone had time to read it. I was pretty much just concentrating on getting through the contractions at that point.

My main nurse checked me to see how far I was dilated—and then she asked the baby nurse to check me too. I think she couldn't quite believe what she found, because they announced I was already 8 centimeters dilated. I was relieved; I had been hoping I would be at 5 centimeters when we got to the hospital.

Just a few minutes after that, my water broke. All the books and stuff console women that most of the time, you'll just feel a little trickle (so they don't have to worry about their water breaking in public and being embarrassing). No tiny trickle for me. WOOSH and there was no question what was happening.

The next while is a little bit of a blur. I know Brandon called Whitney and our parents to let them know that we were at the hospital and the nurses brought in the doctor. My contractions were getting closer together and incredibly intense. Brandon was awesome, getting in my face to help me focus and keep me breathing.

I think I was starting to panic a little bit because we were actually at the hospital and they weren't sending me home saying I was in false labor—that's right: I still wasn't 100 percent sure this was actually happening.

At some point, one of the nurses said, "OK, honey, looks like we're having this baby naturally!" To which I replied, "No. No, no, no, no, no, no..." (ad nauseum).

Afterward, someone said, "I thought that's what you wanted?" Sort of? Maybe? I guess? To be honest, I didn't think I could do it naturally. I thought I would want the epidural by the time I was ready to push.

And that wasn't going to happen.

Even if they had called the anesthesiologist the second we walked through the door, I'm not sure we would have had time for an epidural. We got to the hospital around 3:30am. Devyn was born at 4:22am, less than an hour later.

The idea of pushing really freaked me out and I definitely panicked a little bit when I started feeling the urge to push and they put my legs up in the stirrups. I was starting to hyperventilate. They gave me oxygen and everyone kept yelling at me to slow down and breathe. When they actually started telling me to push, I was—quite literally—screaming at the top of my lungs. The doctor told me, "You're wasting energy screaming," and I wanted to tell her where she could shove her wasted energy, but I didn't have the energy. ;)

They kept telling me to push, and I thought I was, but apparently I wasn't. They would say, "PUSH!" and I would say, "I DON'T KNOW HOW!" But eventually, I guess I figured it out.

Pushing wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be, all things considered. It was ridiculously weird to be able to feel the baby moving down the birth canal. And that "ring of fire" sensation I had read about was definitely unpleasant, but not nearly as painful as the contractions had been.

As Devyn was crowning, the doctor asked, "Do you want to touch your baby's head?" And I said "NOOOO!" Ha! I think they assumed, since they thought I wanted to do it all naturally, that I was super crunchy granola, but I was pretty freaked out by the whole thing. Thank god no one offered me a mirror! Brandon looked, even though he swore he wouldn't, and he said it didn't look much like a head at that point.

And then, suddenly, they were telling me I had a baby. My response? "It's over?!?" That made everyone laugh.

They barely cleaned her off before they laid her on my stomach. She cried two or three times and then she was quiet and contemplative. I couldn't believe it. It was totally surreal. But she was perfect and tiny and so amazing.

And that's about when Whitney got to the hospital. She drove as fast as she could, but Devyn was just a little bit faster. She stayed with us for an hour or so, helping me try to breastfeed, answering questions, and generally being a nice calming force in the room.

Brandon barely remembered to call our parents back to let them know we had a baby. I think everyone was completely shocked that it had happened so fast. We didn't even have a camera with us, as we'd just grabbed my labor bag out of the car—which we didn't even end up using at all.

The labor I had and the labor I'd thought I would have were completely different. All my planning and thinking and preparations went out the window with the reality of the situation. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a pretty good metaphor for parenting in general.

We stayed in the labor room for three or four hours. We weren't in any hurry to move, and the nurses were doing their shift change. We sat and stared at our daughter and watched the sun come up on her first day.

Our daughter. Devyn Fae. Welcome to the world, my darling.

The Birth Story — Part 1

The morning of Thursday, April 21, my contractions started around 6:30am. They were completely mild and innocuous, reminding me of the cramps I sometimes get to signal the start of my period. I had three or four, about 15 minutes apart and didn't think much about it.

Around 9am, I had a few more contractions still about 10 or 15 minutes apart. I texted Brandon to let him know, and also told him that I had decided to go on with my plans for the day as normal. He was excited, but both of us were thinking we didn't want to get our hopes up.

I made plans to have lunch with my friend Stephanie in Longmont before going to get a manicure and pedicure at a spa up there. I got to the restaurant a little early, and was sitting in my car listening to the radio when my mom called to tell me that my friend Ken was on the radio in Dallas. I told her that I had been having contractions on and off all morning, and she was very excited. I was careful to tell her not to get TOO excited, because it was probably nothing.

Stephanie and I had a nice lunch, and when I told her that I had been having contractions, she too got really excited. She wanted me to go into labor right then so she could have the honor of taking me to the hospital! Alas, the buffalo chicken tacos I had did not send me into spontaneous labor.

After lunch, I drove to Sunflower Spa and settled in for my mani/pedi, which was lovely. I had asked Whitney, my doula, if it was OK for me to have a pedicure, having read or heard somewhere that foot massage could send a woman into labor. She said I was at 38 weeks, so even if it did, it wouldn't be an issue. I had another couple of contractions while I was there, but they were still really mild and far apart.

I met Brandon at home and we had dinner. At around 6pm, I had some more contractions, a little stronger and definitely 10 minutes apart, but I only had about three before they stopped again. We still were not thinking it was go time.

Between 6pm and 9pm, things started to move. The contractions were getting a little stronger, but they were still somewhat erratic and at least 10 minutes apart. Starting at around 9, the contractions were coming regularly 10 minutes apart and they were starting to get stronger. We decided to call Whitney a little before 10pm, before it got too late, and she told us to get some rest if we could.

We couldn't.

After we called Whitney, the contractions started to get really strong, though they were still pretty short, lasting only 30 to 45 seconds. Sleeping between contractions wasn't an option for me, and because Brandon was focused on helping me through contractions, it wasn't an option for him either. The weirdest and most difficult part for me was that most of the pain was concentrated in my upper thighs; I had thought the pain would be in my abdomen, and having it in my legs was surprisingly hard to deal with. I had prepared myself for pain in my belly or pain in my back, but none of the different laboring positions we had learned seemed to help the pain in my legs at all. I remember several times just saying, "WHY? Why does it hurt in my legs???" But of course, Brandon couldn't give me an answer. ;)

The contractions got progressively more intense, but remained steadfastly 10 minutes apart until around 2am when they suddenly jumped from 10 minutes to about 3 minutes. They were still only 30 seconds long as they had been the whole time. I was starting to get a little frantic, trying everything I could think of to find even a little relief. I was afraid to walk or stand during contractions because the pain in my legs was so intense I was afraid I would fall. I ended up sitting on the edge of the bed taking a lot of weight on my arms for most of them.

We decided to call Whitney again, and she gave Brandon some ideas to help me with counter pressure on my hips and legs. She told us that if the contractions got longer, closer together, or more intense we should go to the hospital.

I was somehow fixated on the idea that the contractions would get longer, so I never really thought it was time to go. In fact, I was starting to consider getting in the shower to see if that would help with the pain. Brandon, however, decided pretty quickly that the contractions were getting closer together and more intense. I would have a contraction and then he would disappear, and by the time I was going into the next contraction, he would be back with his jeans on, or carrying our bags, or asking me where my shoes were. And that was when I realized we were going to the hospital.