Changing Perspective

It continues to amaze me how being a mom has changed my perception of just about everything from art to news items to pop culture.

Just as an example:

• When I saw Les Miserables again with family at New Year's, I was surprised to be most moved by Fantine's story, of a mother just trying to do anything to ensure her child's survival—when before (as a heartsick young teenager), Eponine was always the character that moved me the most.
• Right after Devyn was born, I could not watch the news on TV, because they were talking all about the horrific plight of people, and specifically children, starving in Africa.  I could not watch because I ended up sobbing and clutching Devyn to me.
• I saw The Hunger Games this weekend at the movies.  I read the book before I was pregnant, before Devyn was born, and while they were certainly not HAPPY books, they didn't really disturb me.  I found myself having to pinch myself hard in the movie theater not to dissolve into tears when the youngest of the "tributes" met their ends.

And today, I found out that a girl I went to high school with has been arrested in a horrifying child abuse case that ended in the death of the child.  I'm so viscerally appalled by this, I can barely put words to it.  

And I have no doubt that the twisting, agonized gut reaction I'm having to the story has a great deal to do with the beautiful baby girl playing nearby.

I've always been an empathetic person, but it appears Devyn has multiplied my empathy for mothers and children a thousandfold.  

30 weeks, 3 days: On Being A Mom

 
Devyn's naps have started getting irregular again lately—she seems to think that a ten minute snooze in Mom's arms is sufficient for a 9am nap—and so I was letting her sleep after she ate this morning, holding and rocking her and reading blogs on my iPod as I am wont to do, when I came across two things in just a matter of minutes that crystalized how I'm feeling about motherhood these days.

The first was a post in which the author was talking about saying thank you even when you don't feel thankful.  As in, saying "Thank you for this tiny person," as you are cleaning up a massive poop blowout, or "Thank you for this home," as you sweep up yet another pile of dog hair.  The idea is that just the act of putting that thank you out into the universe can help adjust your attitude towards whatever it is you're facing.

The second thing was a post by a lovely author who has a toddler and a creative business and went to an art show this past weekend.  She writes,

to be honest, i felt a little out of place. and in my heart i felt envious; i've guiltily given most creative projects a backseat (or thrown in the trunk!) in my life right now. i wish i could carve out more time for things like this, i thought to myself. more time for cultivating my skills for awesome passions i wish i had time for. if i didn't blog so much, maybe i could be better at fill-in-the-blank. or, maybe if i could cut out my once-in-awhile napping ritual i could read more fine literature or possibly, dig into the new yorker or something equally as stimulating / informative...

soon i began to look around– pushing through those feelings–and saw dan with benji in his arms, mingling with the artists and i realized something. my own toddler is my creative project at the moment. he's the main show. and that is more than okay with me. it was a happy mini lightbulb moment.

I have so felt like this. I took on food blogging as a serious pursuit right after Devyn was born, and I started to meet all these incredible people doing amazing things. I became immersed in this world where people go out for cocktails every night, hang out at restaurants and chit chat with the chef and the bartenders, take field trips to farms every weekend to learn about their food, cure their own meats, brew their own alcohol, go up into the mountains and wander around for hours in silence picking wild mushrooms and berries. 

And I was envious.  That little green monster has taken hold of my heart more than once in the last seven months, making me jealous that I have neither the time nor the disposable income to indulge in so many of these pursuits.

And let's not even get started on the mommy bloggers who are suddenly my peers, and the real-life perfect moms I've met who post online about the dozens of crafts they have planned for the holiday season, the elaborate dessert buffet they whipped up for the PTA meeting, the dozens of Christmas gifts they've lovingly crafted—and finished!—so that they can do nothing but bake and watch Christmas movies with their kids from Thanksgiving to New Year's. 

I've felt that sense of, "if only..."  If only I worked harder, my house would be clean all the time.  If only I managed my time better, I could work out for two hours a day to be fit and healthy.  If only I worked more often after Devyn goes to bed, I could spend more time working with her, teaching her to wave and point to my nose and crawl.  If only...

And then. 

And then there are moments when it all just melts away.  When good enough really is good enough.  When I remember those first days when Devyn arrived and I marveled at her, called her my zen master, and prayed every day that I would be able to learn the lessons she is here to teach me. 

I truly am thankful for the poop blowouts and the 3am waking and the spit up.  And I really am OK letting Devyn be my creative outlet right now. 

Because she is so, so worth it. 

22 weeks, 4 days: It's all in your perspective

Subject: Holding hands
From: lacy
Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2011
To: wendy; emily; branurenner

With her new friend, Baylor, at mom group. Better keep an eye on him, Brandon! 

----------------------

From: Brandon Renner
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 4:27 PM
Subject: RE: Holding hands

Devyn is actually attempting to judu throw Baylor across the room and take his pacifier. hehe

----------------------

From: Wendy Boggs
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Subject: RE: RE: Holding hands


A girl who ALREADY knows what she wants!    wab

20 weeks: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

Little One and I have been having a challenging couple of weeks. Her naps have gone all wonky, in that she doesn't want to take them any more. She still sleeps really well at night, but every nap time is a fight; she'll fall asleep in my arms, but the second I set her down, she wakes again. And, if by some miracle she stays asleep when I set her down (or if she falls asleep in the stroller or the car) she only sleeps for 20–30 minutes.

I felt like I had tried everything, up to and including letting her "cry it out" for a couple of naps. That, by the way, is pure torture. I sat at the top of the stairs outside her room, sobbing while she fussed, and she really only cried for about 20 minutes (though she never did fall asleep).

In any case, after long conversations with my mom and my sister yesterday (brought on by more crying on my part), I think I have a plan and then, of course, she napped really well yesterday, so it may all be moot.

Both the hard part and the amazing part of this, is that yesterday I realized how much she is figuring out what is going on. She had been great most of the day, except for her first nap, which had me in tears, but she started to get fussy just as we were sitting down to dinner. We moved her to her buzzy chair, she didn't like it; I held her and she wiggled like she was trying to get away from me; I put her on the play mat again, she cried. Finally, I said, "If you're going to fuss regardless, you can sit in your buzzy chair until we finish eating," and strapped her in.

At that point, she started to really, REALLY cry. Not just the fussy yelling she does when she's displeased, but real crying, with real tears. But I had made an ultimatum. So Brandon and I scarfed down our food as fast as humanly possible.

Brandon finished first and went to pick her up, but rather than stop crying, she looked at me very pointedly, with big fat tears running down her face. And that was when I realized she was probably hungry.

Oh my god, I felt terrible! Here she was, just trying to communicate with me, and I totally missed it and "punished" her for it. I can't beat myself up too much about it, because it was an honest mistake, but in that moment, it really hit me how much she understands, how much she knows, how much of a little person she already is.

The Baby Whisperer book I read before she was born talked about slowing down and really trying to read your baby's cues. I was reminded of it last night, reminded that I need to really listen and try to learn her language as much as she is trying to learn mine. I was so focused on outside things, on my food getting cold, on other things, that I completely missed what she was trying to tell me—loud and clear.

8 weeks: Stroller Club

Today, I joined a stroller club.

I don't know why, but it makes me feel a little like a cliche: the suburban mommy, traveling in a pack of other suburban mommies, each pushing a gigantic stroller with all their children in tow.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved it. Those ladies got me jogging when I haven't jogged in... I don't even know. Years. It was tough. It pushed me way beyond what I've been doing on my own. It even got me to a park I've never visited.

On the other hand, when I walked up, the two ladies who got there first were dishing about a six year old who is already wearing eight-year-old clothes and how her parents bought her a training bra because she has "fat boobies."

I kid you not.

I'm going to go back next week, for certain. The ladies I actually had a conversation with seemed extremely nice, and I loved the workout. But I have a feeling I'll need to be careful what I share, at least at first.

If reality television has taught us anything, it's that some housewives will eat you alive.

4 Weeks and 3 Days: Happy Monday

How to tell it's a Monday when you're a stay-at-home mom:

• Baby seems uninterested in breakfast for the first time in... ever. Which is not good when you and your husband are on a schedule so that he can spell you before he goes to work so you can take a shower.
• Decide maybe baby is sleepy and take her upstairs for a diaper change.
• Which is when you realize that her blanket is covered in poo.
• Upon further investigation, you discover that she has pooped up her back, so her onesie is also completely soaked in yellow baby poo.
• Realize that there is no way to get said onesie off the baby without spreading the poop from here to kingdom come.
• Yell for husband to turn on the hot water and get out the sponge for an emergency baby bath.
• Baby now has poop ALL over her back, even in her hair. She is, thankfully, cooing happily at you from the changing table, which is now also covered in poop.
• And so are you.
• Rush baby to the bathroom swaddled in burp cloths for an emergency poop-ectomy requiring multiple wash cloths. Thank your lucky stars that husband hadn't left for work yet.
• Finally get all the poop off the baby, pick her up, start to wrap her in a towel—and realize she is urinating. All over you and the towel and the floor.
• Have a good laugh, because really? What else are you going to do?

Happy Monday.

28 Days Old

I didn't get a ton of advice, or even many comments from strangers when I was pregnant, but now that I have an adorable little baby in tow wherever I go, the comments are flowing like a flood.

Most are totally harmless: "She's adorable," "How old is she?" "She's so little!" — that sort of thing. But I've had two that were just weird.

First, two ladies stopped me at The Container Store a week or so ago to oooh and ahhh over the baby. One of them told me how glad she was to see that Devyn was wearing a hat (it was cold and rainy outside) and how some young mothers just take their babies out willy nilly without proper attire. But then she proceeded to lecture me how I absolutely should NOT take Devyn into the main part of the mall, because she could get sick being exposed to all those people and their germs (apparently she didn't count herself among the germy masses, because she got right in the baby's face). She actually said, "Did you know that?" Like she was bestowing some priceless wisdom on me.

(We went to the mall anyway. And, shockingly, it wasn't wall-to-wall germy crowds on a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm. Thank god.) :P

Then, yesterday, Dev and I went to the grocery store, and she did NOT fall asleep in the car as I had hoped, so by the time we got to the produce section, she was screaming from her car seat in the cart. I stopped in front of the lettuce to give her some attention and try to calm her down, and an older woman came up to us. At first she was just making small talk, "She's so precious," etc. Then she started talking to Devyn, saying things like, "It's OK darling," which is all fine. But then she looked at me and said, "Are you going to pick her up, or what?"

I answered that I thought I would just keep moving because she likes the motion, and walked away. What a weirdo! I got the impression that if I said I wasn't going to pick her up, that lady would have done it for me.

And we all know I can't be exposing my child to lots of strangers. *SHEESH*

Baby Nest Baby Carrier: Things You Can Do While Wearing a Baby

When Devyn was about four days old, my parents and my sister and I went to a cool baby store here in Denver called Eco-Politan so Emily could buy some specialty cloth diapers and accessories. While we were there, the owner let me try on the Baby Nest—with my baby in it—and I was completely sold. My mom bought it for us and I have worn it at least part of the day nearly every day since.

I had been in the market for a Moby wrap, but the Baby Nest seemed easier because you don't have to tie it; it's just two loops of stretchy fabric that you can wear in different ways to carry your baby (up to 35 pounds!). It's totally easy, I can put it on and off by myself, and Devyn LOVES it.

Turns out, you can do a lot while wearing a baby (who doesn't otherwise want to sleep during the day unless she's being held). You can:

• blog
• eat a meal
  
• read the Sunday paper while standing up and bouncing
• take a walk
• do laundry
• go to the bathroom (hey, I'm just keeping it real)
• pick up clutter
• file papers and pay bills
• put your feet up and watch Doctor Who
• put on makeup and brush your teeth
• water plants

Things I have found are difficult while wearing a baby:

• putting a fitted sheet on the bed
• picking up anything off the floor
• reaching anything high above your head

Not a bad ratio, if you ask me.

17 Days Old: Questions

how is your BABY??? how is being a mommy? is your mind boggled? are you grossed out? what? do you recommend it? i could use some recommendations. :)
–from an email from a friend

Baby is awesome! She's so amazing. I find myself just staring at her a lot. ;) And being a mommy is mostly awesome, although sometimes it is really hard. I've still got the crazy hormones going on, so sometimes I just break down and cry because she is crying! But most of the time, I love it. And yes, my mind is totally boggled. Brandon and I both sometimes look at her and are just like, "We have a DAUGHTER. How weird is that????"

Giving birth was pretty gross. Poopy diapers are kinda gross. Her umbilical cord stump that only PARTIALLY fell off and is now oozing? VERY GROSS. But somehow it doesn't seem to matter too much. We were at the photographer last week, and I was trying to get her calm for the photos, so I went upstairs to the photographer's little boy's room to nurse. We had gotten her naked for one of the photos, so I had her sort of half wrapped in a blanket while she ate. And then? She had an EPIC poop all over my lap. I yelled for Brandon to bring me the baby bag, and while he was helping me clean up, she did it AGAIN. All we could do was laugh.

Nursing hurts like a bitch. Everybody said it would, and it does. But everybody also says it starts to get better around week three, so I am crossing my fingers for that. Labor hurts like a bitch. Pushing hurts like a bitch and was super scary to me. I had three tears, and those hurt, and the stitches are uncomfortable. But I got through all of it. It didn't kill me. :) I guess my body actually does know what it's doing.

I guess my answer is that looking into this tiny person's eyes, all the negative stuff was worth it. I don't know if we'll have any more, but if I had to make the choice again to get this little person, I would absolutely do it. In a heartbeat. Does that answer your questions? ;)

Non-Baby Stuff That's AWESOME for Having a Baby: Gaiam Balance Ball Chair

It's so daunting to register when you're having a baby. I remember being somewhat stymied by picking a china pattern and deciding how many place settings of flatware to register for as a bride, but the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion I felt registering for my first baby, before she even got here. Did I really NEED a baby tub? I mean, our tub/shower isn't really conducive for bathing a baby, so maybe... Do we need a bottle warmer? What about a wipes warmer, touted by many as the ultimate in ridiculous baby accoutrement, but endorsed by my wise sister?

But some of the stuff that has turned out to be MOST important so far with this kid was never on our registry.

Take, for example, our Balance Ball Chair from Gaiam.

My father-in-law, a consummate garage saler, found this for me for $10 several months before we even got pregnant, but during my pregnancy and after, it has been an absolute god-send.

Early in my pregnancy, I used the ball—sans chair—for working out, as lots of the prenatal strength training exercises I was doing called for use of an exercise ball. And, once I started working from home, sitting at my desk on the ball chair for four or five hours a day was about the only way to make my work days not wreck havoc on my lower back.

When I grew more enormously pregnant, our sofa suddenly became a pale blue, overstuffed trap from which I had a great deal of trouble escaping. Add to that the advice my doula gave me about sitting up as straight as possible during the last month or two of my pregnancy and the ball chair moved permanently from the upstairs office to the living room next to the sofa that wanted to eat me. Being able to sit up straight, be comfortable and get up and down without the use of a pulley system was absolutely invaluable as I grew larger and larger.

But I assumed that once baby arrived, the chair would migrate back up to the office—not so. Almost immediately, my family and I discovered the bouncy potential of the chair for comforting a fussy baby. My sister, who helped immensely during those first few days when Devyn's "witching hour" fell between 8 and 11pm, endorsed "aggressive bouncing" for calming the otherwise inconsolable little bean baby. Two weeks in, bouncing on the ball chair remains one of our favorite pastimes.

New, the chair does not come cheap, but knowing what I know now, I would absolutely recommend a mom-to-be add one to her registry—either for that extremely generous relative who abhors stepping into a baby store, or for a gaggle of friends to collaborate on.

16 Days Old: What I Love About Breastfeeding (and Happy Mother's Day!)

Eight to 12 feedings a day are starting to take their toll; last night I actually cried a little because it hurt so badly when my daughter latched on for her 3am feeding. But breastfeeding is something I'm committed to doing, and there are actually parts of it that I love, so I thought I would list those to give me something other than the soreness to focus on:

• I love the snuggling time we get when I burp her
• I love staring back into her eyes when she's staring up at me
• I love the feel of her soft head in my hand or in the crook of my arm
• I love the chance to slow down my thoughts and just be in the moment
• I love the feeling of power that being able to feed and soothe my child gives me
• I love the "chicken pecking" kisses I get when she's hungry and looking for lunch
• I love that, even at only a few hours old, she knew how to wiggle down and get into position without any help from me
• I love it when she clutches at my hand while she's eating
• I love the opportunity to be still and be close to her—even when there are a thousand other things that need doing

12 days old

Things that can happen (sometimes all at once) with otherwise completely healthy newborns:

• Gas pains that make her shriek at octaves that would make most opera singers jealous
• Hormones that make her have her first period at three days old. (And even though I actually did know that could happen, somewhere in the back of my brain, it is still NOT COOL to open up your three-day-old's diaper and see blood.)
• Dry skin that makes it look like your baby's entire skin is flaking off.
• Bleeding from the cord stump. Really, anything that involves an infant and her blood leaving her body is not fun for mommies and daddies.
• "Newborn rash" that looks like she has angry red pimples or mosquito bites all over her (thankfully this is gone now).

It is really hard to be a big mommy, as my mommy would say, and not panic at all these things—which my parents, my books and my doula all assure me are perfectly normal. Mom, I'm sorry if I ever doubted you on that point. You are absolutely right.

April is poetry month

Lies I've Told My 3 Year Old Recently

Trees talk to each other at night.
All fish are named either Lorna or Jack.
Before your eyeballs fall out from watching too much TV, they get very loose.
Tiny bears live in drain pipes.
If you are very very quiet you can hear the clouds rub against the sky.
The moon and the sun had a fight a long time ago.
Everyone knows at least one secret language.
When nobody is looking, I can fly.
We are all held together by invisible threads.
Books get lonely too.
Sadness can be eaten.
I will always be there.

~Raul Gutierrez

Developmentally Appropriate Toys

Love this column from the author of "Free Range Kids" about toys.

I'm really drawn to toys by the company Sassy and I've bought at least one and registered for a couple more, but they are definitely culpable in this trend of making everything "educational" and developmentally appropriate.

And I have bought into it! I bought this lookbook just the other day:



It has bold black and white patterns on each soft page, with a plastic sleeve that you can also put a photo into. And I bought it because I had just read how really young babies (before 3 months) see bold black and white patterns best, and slightly older babies (around 3 months) love looking at faces.

This isn't maybe as bad as the Baby Neptune video mentioned in the article, but I do feel a little bit silly buying toys like that. At least it doesn't blink or vibrate or sing! Oh well. I have registered for a gorgeous set of wooden alphabet blocks that will maybe make up for my lapse. ;)

Afraid of PARENTING

I saw a deal recently for a subscription to PARENTING magazine for only $1. And I really truly thought about subscribing to it. But I didn’t get it, because I’m afraid of how PARENTING makes me feel afraid.

They’re certainly not the only culprits, but they’ve got this thing down pat where they take any little thing and make it into a BIG thing we’re meant to be afraid of for our kids.

I’ve been reading the Free Range Parenting blog, and I’m discovering that I don’t want to be so afraid. In fact, I wrote my editor’s notes column for the baby magazine about that very thing.

I made a commitment not to renew some magazines I was getting that didn’t jive with my lifestyle (SHAPE magazine, for one) and I just decided that PARENTING probably didn’t live up to that standard either.

Do you have any family or parenting magazines that you like?