12 weeks, 4 days

Just got home from the dentist (which I love oh so much even on good days) where I discovered that the books weren’t kidding when they said your gums might bleed more than normal while preggers.

When your hygienist says “woah!” that’s not a good sign.

12 weeks, 2 days

Yesterday we made cookies and I realized, to my horror, that I’m not allowed to eat raw cookie dough because of the eggs.

CURSES.

Over the weekend, I bought my first honest-to-goodness maternity clothes at a consignment sale. Today, I am wearing the first of those items, a tank top.

Ok, doesn’t really qualify, but it’s still a milestone, right?

We have our 12 week checkup on Friday and I’m nervous. I really want to see that heartbeat again.

11 weeks, 2 days

I’m wearing a rubber band on the button of my jeans to give me an extra inch (and an extra pair of jeans I can now wear. HUZZAH!).

Talked to my sister this weekend about the conundrum of the first few months of just looking fat instead of pregnant.

Also, husband cleaned the ENTIRE house on Saturday while I was at work. He wins all the prizes.

10 weeks, 3 days

Threw up this morning for the first time—at least, the first time that’s morning sickness-related.

I’m glad I could share this milestone with you.

10 weeks, 2 days

I have never been so happy to feel so crappy.

Bran is my friend.

Have had pretty bad morning sickness most of the day. And I’m taking that as a good sign that a) maybe the bean doesn’t like sour cream and cheddar potato chips (which we had for dinner last night) and b) that the bean still has a say in things.

Which is fine by me. He or she is welcome to hate all variety of potato chips.

~*~

In other news, I have one official prediction from a family member that the bean will be a girl. She also happens to have been a prenatal nurse for her entire career and was looking at my 8 week sonogram. For what it’s worth.

10 weeks, 1 day

I have spent the last four days in abject fear of going to the bathroom.

I have seen blood twice, thin and red and fresh, and much more than there should be.

I have been to the OBGYN office and been consoled by nurses as they injected me with Rogam.

I have been consoled and terrified in turns by my family, the internet, my friends.

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a theory. Except me.

I have only the power to wait.

I have been put on “pelvic rest:” no pushing, pulling, or lifting. No laundry, no vacuuming, no yoga. Feet elevated. Rest.

How do you rest when you’re so afraid?

I suppose this is when I realize how real it is, when I am afraid for the life a few weeks ago I wasn’t sure was really there.

I am terrified. I am trying to stay positive. I am not always succeeding.

Hello, Baby

I have known about you, baby, for about two weeks now. Sometimes, I can't quite believe you're real, and if you are, I worry that you'll disappear. It's hard to wrap my head around all the ways my life is changing.

We told our parents last weekend and they were all so happy. Zana cried, which made Brandon cry, which made me cry. I think Zana might have given up hope that you would ever come along.

It's hard to go on as if nothing has changed, when everything has changed. I don't know when I'll tell people at work, but I've already started playing the scenarios of how it might happen over and over in my head.

I thought I would be much more afraid than I am. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Sometimes I think I can feel you. Not you, exactly, but the changes you're causing in me. It reminds me that you're real. You're the size of a blueberry, but next week when I go to the doctor, I might be able to see your heart beat. That seems pretty miraculous to me.

I think of you often, though mostly in an abstract sense. Nine months seems like a really long time, but I know it will have seemed to fly by the time it's over.

Official

It's official. Everything's official and I'm having a baby.

The lab called later Friday evening as we were on our way to our anniversary dinner. It wasn't a huge surprise, of course, but it was nice to have confirmed.

Saturday was really rough in terms of symptoms. I felt ill most of the day, as well as completely exhausted. We went to the library where I started to read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I think it freaked me out a little.

Brandon has been incredibly understanding and sweet. We've been painting the guest room this weekend, and it doesn't take much for me to get tired out, but he hasn't pushed me at all or given me any reason to feel bad when I need to stop and rest.

Waiting...

I'm sitting at the lab waiting to get a pregnancy test. Last night, the stick showed a plus sign, but I'm still worried it might be wrong.

None of these big moments end up being as big as we think, do they?

When I think about it too much, I start to get scared and overwhelmed.

Brandon and I have been married for five years today. Nice symmetry, somehow.